Now let me show you the shape of my heart

A close look at BSB's best, most confusing video

They’re black…and they’re blue

Travel with me, if you will, back to a simpler time: the year 2000. Pre-teen and teen girls had a choice to make, one that would have lifelong repercussions: *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys. On first glance (if you were, say, a parent) they had much in common. Both made pop music. Both had five guys. But as anyone who ever spent time in the boy band trenches knows, they were worlds apart. Picking a boy band was never just about a musical preference; your favorite group said something about you. The same could be said of choosing your favorite member of your favorite group (we all know that girl who had to be contrarian and claim that her favorite Hanson brother was anyone but Taylor).

*NSYNC felt…younger than BSB. There were at least three boys you could choose as your favorite without feeling like you got stuck with the leftover boy. Their personalities never seemed that clearly defined to me. Justin was the star, JC was the actual best vocalist, Lance was the innocent one, Chris…had the hair. And Joey.

BSB, meanwhile, had a clear bad boy. It was AJ! Duh!

Necklace, earring, sunglasses, tattoos, AND goatee? Yeah, I’d say he’s the bad boy.

Nick was the baby. Brian was ostensibly the leading man and most of us thought he was the cutest, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why. Kevin was a grown man who was significantly hotter than anyone else but none of us realized that at the time because we were too young. Also Howie.

There was something about an *NSYNC girl that just felt more worldly. An *NSYNC fan was prone to action. You sang along to *NSYNC when you were thinking about your actual boyfriend, and you danced with that boyfriend to This I Promise You during the eighth grade dance that took place in the gym during the school day.

BSB girls, on the other hand, were more introspective. They listened to BSB while writing in their journals about the boys they wished would be their boyfriends. They had quite possibly never spoken to an actual boy. Brian Littrell was cute because he seemed safe.

I was a BSB girl. Clearly.

Which takes us to 2000, when BSB released their album Black and Blue. The album itself is…well, it’s not good, which I know because I listened to it for the first time in years to prepare for this. It’s called research. The first three songs are bangers and the rest are completely forgettable. I couldn’t name another song on that album right now if my life was at stake.

The first track is The Call, a song where the Boys sing, as one, about cheating on their singular girlfriend. We know this is serious and life-changing stuff when AJ starts with “let me tell you a story about the call that changed my destin-ay. Me and my boys went out…just. to. END UP IN MISERY!” This song is very AJ and Nick heavy, presumably because the writers (correctly!) guessed that the audience wouldn’t believe that Brian, Howie, or Kevin would cheat on their significant others. Brian gives off big “married to his high school sweetheart” vibes and Howie is simply too busy straightening his hair (you have to watch the video).

The song is almost operatic in its intensity. By contrast, the second track is subdued and contrite. In this one, the boys plead with us to let them show us the shape of their hearts. Do they have an x-ray to show us? Who knows!

Shape of My Heart is an inscrutable song and an even more inscrutable video, and both have haunted me since the year 2000. This is in no way their most memorable song and I’ve never heard anyone talk about the video (at least, not since eighth grade), but at least every couple of months I’m struck with the urge to listen and watch. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

The first thing you’ll notice are the colors. Black and blue. The name of the album, and possibly a sign of their maturity. These are no longer just Backstreet Boys…no, these are Backstreet Men.

A Playbill introduces us to a production called The Shape of My Heart (the song itself omits the “the,” but let’s not worry about it…or, if you’re me, let’s think about it all the time). This is a production the boys appear to be starring in, as they’re on stage and reading their lines…but it’s also a production that involves another man and a woman (wearing a sleeveless turtleneck). Brian begins by asking us to please try to forgive him (presumably for having a dramatic affair in the previous song). The boys are having such a good time. They’re laughing, drinking coffee, intently studying their lines (lyrics?). Howie’s still hitting the straightener.

The lyrics…how do I say this…make absolutely no sense. Brian sings, Hold me now, don’t bother, if every minute it makes me weaker. I challenge you to explain what this means, because I’ve been thinking about it for 24 years and I can’t figure it out. And I have an English degree. I’ve spent far more time thinking about BSB lyrics than I have about Lord Byron (at least She Walks in Beauty makes SENSE).

The thing about the lyrics to this song is that, while they’re English words and they’re technically forming sentences, they don’t mean anything. They reminded me of that story about how “Baby One More Time” was written by Swedish Max Martin and he thought “hit me one more time” meant something different. And then I looked it up and, lo and behold:

yeah I clicked on his name.

Max Martin is responsible for some of the wackiest lyrics in pop history, including two lines sung by AJ that have been stuck in my head since the first time I heard them:

Sadness is beautiful/Loneliness is tragical

What does this mean? Tragical?? Who are you, AJ, Shakespeare?

The stage show the boys are putting on also raises a lot of questions. At some points they’re on stage. Then they’re…doing a table read, but the two actors are making out under the table? Then there are two OTHER people (directors?) watching the actors on stage as the boys sit in the audience and watch the performance, rapt. I have a lot of concerns about this production of The Shape of My Heart. The story is muddled.

When the lyrics make sense, this is a classic Man Apologizing song. Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone. I guess that’s one way to explain the events of The Call. Or maybe this is Howie trying to explain his hair journey. I played my part, kept you in the dark…now let me show you the shape of my heart. Honestly, no…at least not until you workshop this show.

My favorite part, though, is AJ’s. AJ was, in retrospect, the strongest vocalist, and this song really makes use of him. I guess on this album he was both a believable cheater and a believable apologizer. At one point, he says, So help me, I can’t win this war. That’s so much pressure…and also, what war? Nothing in this song or play has been clear. I know you’re offering up the vague shape of your heart but what does that MEAN? In what way am I supposed to save you from the man you’ve become? I’m not a licensed therapist.

Now the actors are at the table with the boys. Now Nick has a solo that doubles as a monologue and it starts with “I’m here with my confession” but then he confesses nothing (except that he would like to show you the shape of his heart…again with that. Starting to think it’s some sort of lewd metaphor). Now the actress is watching from the balcony? The boys are moving all over that stage. They’re tossing their lines, they’re throwing their hands in the air, they’re finally free of their burdens. They’re also confused about why the actress is in the balcony (I think she has a thing for Nick). The actress is barefoot. This rehearsal…is over. Sadness is beautiful. Loneliness is tragical. I’m forever changed.

I’m left with more questions than answers after this latest rewatch. What does it all mean? Why was this their first single off Black and Blue? And why (WHY) do I love it so much? This is by far my favorite BSB song, but I couldn’t articulate the reasons. Maybe my feelings are as confusing to pin down as the point of this song or video. Maybe all I have to do is show you the shape of my heart, and I guess that’s what I’ve done.

Please let me know if this video also bewitched you, or if you watched it today for the first time in 20 years. Also, were you an *NSYNC or BSB fan? Of course, yes, you could love both…but you KNOW you ultimately had to choose an allegiance.

Once I asked my friend Emily if she was an *NSYNC or BSB girl and she responded, “Kerry I was cool.” I said, “So…*NSYNC?” but that wasn’t what she meant. If you’re Emily and you abstained from the great boyband wars of the late 90s/early 2000s, then you’re not allowed to answer. If you pledged your loyal support to a second or third tier boyband, please tell me because I’d love to get inside your head. Like, if you were ride or die for BBMak…what was your life like??

I need to end this now because it’s already gone on way too long, but rest assured I’ll be watching this video at least once more today. Maybe I’ll begin my days with it from now on, like a mediation on Howie’s hair. Who knows! See you soon. xo