A recap of one particularly weird episode of Full House

"A Little Romance" (1989), the one where the guys get auctioned off to the highest bidder

Mar 13, 2025

This is usually a movie newsletter. Often a book newsletter. But a TV newsletter? That’s rare, but this week only I had to make it happen because we watched a momentous episode of Full House.

You may know, if you’re a regular newsletter reader, that I love sitcoms—multi-cam, laugh track sitcoms. I will sit down and watch any sitcom, no matter how bad, and I think there’s no greater TV thrill than when a sitcom pulls off really great physical comedy (this is why Three’s Company is the best show on TV1). I don’t know that Full House has a reputation for being actually funny—I think most people know it as cheesy, or old-fashioned, or full of hugs (the last one is accurate…we’re only on the second season and they’re already making self-aware jokes about how much they hug). But I’m here to say HATERS STEP ASIDE, because Full House rules. The jokes are surprisingly tight. The dream team (Bob Saget, John Stamos, Dave Coulier) was cast by an angel sent from heaven above. These men are simply perfect for their roles, playing off each other so well. And Michelle? Listen, I’ve seen a lot of TV and movie toddlers because I watch a lot of entertainment for children, and no one I’ve seen has even come close to the cuteness of the Olsen twins as toddlers. Children should not be actors, but they were good at it.

However, I wouldn’t call Full House racy. The jokes are tame, although Uncle Jesse (the bad boy) sometimes utters a lower-tier four letter word or two. Sometimes, though, they do make a racy joke, albeit one that’s for sure going to go over a child’s head (see: the time Joey was standing between two stereotypically 80’s hot women on a boat and he said something about having a ménage à fish, which was funny but also nonsensical). That is, until we reached the date auction episode, which really upended all of my expectations of the show and involved Danny Tanner accidentally making a joke about his sexual stamina. Do you want to hear about it? Because I want to talk about it. This is probably the most action-packed episode of Full House we’ve seen so far.

The episode begins with Becky, who is at this point merely Danny’s co-anchor on Wake Up, San Francisco and not yet Jesse’s wife, trying to convince Jesse to take part in the Women in Media Charity Bachelor Auction she’s organizing. Wow, Becky is hot and a philanthropist. No wonder Jesse likes her so much. She needs eligible men to sign up to be auctioned off, but Jesse (despite the fact that he’s dated about 500 women since the show began) is not into it. This reminds me: are we to assume that Jesse is sleeping with all of these women? He makes a lot of jokes, there’s a lot of innuendo, and we know he’s broken many hearts, but this is ultimately a family show. Other than this episode, which gets quite risqué by Full House standards!

Anyway, Uncle Jesse is like “no I won’t be a piece of meat and sell my body to these rabid women” until he remembers that he’s very into Becky and will do anything to get closer to her. I know they needed some kind of will they/won’t they with Jesse and Becky, but it’s funny that her reason for not dating him is just…no real reason. I always think about the time Sarah MacLean said you should be asking yourself “why can’t they be together NOW?” on every page of your romance novel. Like, you should always have an obstacle that’s not just “because I, the author, don’t want them to be together yet.” I don’t think Becky and Jesse really have an obstacle…I guess that Becky doesn’t want to date her coworker’s brother-in-law? Sure. But the point here is that Becky gets Jesse, Joey, and Danny to sign up for the auction.

Meanwhile, DJ has her own excitement…she has her first boyfriend. It’s Jonathan Brandis (RIP, I feel so sad whenever I see him in anything), he’s cute, he has floppy hair, and she’s on top of the world.

Back to the date auction, the real meat of this episode. The guys get dressed up in tuxedos (Full House audience voice: ooOOOoooOOOoooh!) and the effect is slightly lessened by the fact that Jesse’s pants have white stripes down the side. The look is very much “track pant bottoms with a suit jacket,” but what do you expect…he’s the bad boy. He can’t be expected to follow your fashion rules, even ones you thought didn’t need to be said out loud, like “don’t wear track pant bottoms with a suit jacket.” He also wears a red bow tie and cummerbund (nice touch).

And then Becky walks in wearing the most sequins you’ve ever seen, and you’d be a fool not to expect Uncle Jesse to say “Have mercy.” Of all the catchphrases on this show (Cut it out, how rude, etc.), “have mercy” is perhaps the most used. I mean, sure, people are always being rude to Stephanie, but Uncle Jesse is helpless to resist any woman (with big hair and a lot of leg showing). The least they could do is have mercy on him.

And THEN, DJ’s romance comes to an abrupt and heartbreaking end when her boyfriend dumps her after they work on their homework together (I feel this qualifies for a “how rude!”) for Kathy Santoni. Because, as he puts it, “you’re real nice and fun and smart, but Kathy Santoni is…so pretty.” Wow, I hate Kathy Santoni and I don’t even know her (I’m kidding, it’s not Kathy Santoni’s fault, but is she even nice and fun and smart like DJ?). DJ rips off the bracelet her boyfriend gave her and cries at the kitchen table and it feels so real! She looks like a real heartbroken kid!

There are only two bits of trivia on the IMDB page for this episode and one of them is this: “Michael dumps DJ for her friend, Kathy Santoni because he said she was prettier than D.J. In reality, most people considered Candace Cameron much prettier than Anne Marie McEvoy, the actress who played Kathy Santoni.” Okay, I must bust out the “how rude!” again. Who wrote this fact? A Candace Cameron Bure super-fan? A Kathy Santoni hater? Who are most people? Did this IMDB user conduct a poll?

But we’re getting off track here. At the date auction, Jesse is immediately ogled by every woman. They love him and his track pants. A woman grabs his butt, or as Jesse puts it, “that woman pinched me like a ripe tomato!” Lady, I know it’s 1989 and there are no rules about sexual harassment, but get ahold of yourself. This is a charity event, for the illustrious Women in Media fund (?). But Danny would love to have his butt pinched like produce: “At least she noticed you. I feel like I’m back in high school. Nobody wants me.” That’s too sad, even for Danny. Joey, meanwhile, says “This is fun! Now we know how women feel!” I guess he means the women he and Jesse ogle in the original Full House intro. Have mercy, indeed.

A woman who looks like she tried out for Kim Cattrall’s part on Sex and the City buys Jesse champagne and then, finally, Becky is like 😡. It took the attention of Poor Man’s Kim Cattrall to make her realize she had feelings for Jesse.

Joey, the only one who doesn’t mind being part of the auction (I guess he’s used to being on stage), goes up and isn’t getting a lot of bids until Danny says, “This man does impressions. You buy him, you buy a date with anyone your fantasies desire” and then names Tom Selleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone (the 80s were a different time). An elderly woman with a giant bird hat bids on him, and I need you to know that the assumption of this episode is absolutely that the men are contracted to do whatever these women want on a date. But Joey doesn’t even care that this woman is three times his age. He’s just like, “I guess I’m your date!” The only one of these men with a good attitude! But it turns out he’s actually a date for the woman’s granddaughter, who is Full House Hot (blonde, short skirt).

Then Becky forces Danny to auction himself off and he starts getting bids. His self-esteem is on the rise. He says, “Don’t stop now ladies, I can go all night!” and then all the women start bidding on him. Yes, Full House made a joke about Danny’s sexual stamina and, again, enforced the belief that the men are contracting themselves to sleep with whoever bids on them. And all of them women in the audience are just like, “hell yeah.” They all want to sleep with Danny Tanner. That’s what this episode is telling us.

The old woman who bid on Joey also bids on Danny, but not for her granddaughter…for herself. She tells Danny, suggestively, “You’re for me…we’re gonna boogie all night.” Danny’s face is just like, “Well I guess I’ve resigned myself to having sex with this elderly woman all night long.”

And then it’s time for Jesse. Poor Man’s Kim Cattrall bids on him, but Becky doesn’t like that…she surprises even herself by bidding on Jesse. And then they get into a bidding war. Becky bids $1700 (which IMDB tells me is the equivalent of $4100 today, and I refuse to fact check that elsewhere) and PMKC says, “I’m out. I can’t explain $1,800 to my husband.” Love that this woman was willing to risk it all for Jesse.

The guys and Becky go home, where the girls’ grandpa/Jesse’s dad is babysitting (and I would say not doing a great job because DJ is in the midst of a full-blown crisis). Jesse does this thing frequently that I’ve been trying to figure out, where he gets annoyed at Joey and says things in this weird voice, like “Stifle!” and “Huh?” It’s very hard to explain; I’m going to need you to watch the episode. I assumed it was an impression of someone…The Three Stooges? Jerry Lewis? Even though he’s not the comedian, Joey is! But Google has given me almost no information, except for someone on Reddit who says he’s doing an impression of Archie Bunker from All In the Family, which I guess makes Joey his Edith. Archie did tell her to stifle herself a lot. Anyway, I love it. A very specific reference that appears to be lost on most viewers.

Danny thinks that talking to DJ about her broken heart is “a job for Dad” along with “junior dads,” AKA Jesse and Joey, but you guys…Becky is right there, besequined, clearly ready to give romantic advice that would be far better than anything the three dads could dish out. Danny loves to give an advice-filled speech, but who is DJ going to believe more? My prediction was proven correct when the guys go up to her room and instead of just being like, “Wow this guy sucks and you are better off, girlfriend,” which is basically ALL you should say after a breakup, they start telling her the story of The Ugly Duckling. YOU GUYS. Of course DJ is like, “wait, so now I’m ugly too??”

FINALLY Becky comes in and is like, “You absolute losers, I can’t believe you told her the story of the Ugly Duckling, I gotta take over.” Actually, what she says is, “Never tell the Ugly Duckling story unless it’s about some other kid,” which is a genuinely good joke. And true. Becky tells her not to worry about what boys think because she should focus on what she thinks of herself. This is why DJ needs a woman around. Becky, this family needs you to marry Uncle Jesse STAT. We need a woman with good hair and a lot of sequins in this house!

And then. AND THEN. Becky and Jesse are in the kitchen…alone…and she finally admits that she does have feelings for him, feelings that only came out when she saw PMKC bidding on him at the auction. She’s a woman motivated by jealousy, which I respect. The funniest thing is that Becky could’ve dated Jesse for free at any point since she met him, and instead she spent $1700 that I’m sure she doesn’t have. At least it’s going to a good cause…I think. Someone really needs to look up this Women in Media fund and see where the money’s going. So far Women in Media seem to be mostly concerned with pinching Uncle Jesse’s butt.

And they kiss. Not for the first time…that was a classic “get it out of our systems” romance novel kiss at the airport on Christmas, right before Santa Claus showed up (long story). But this is their first real kiss. This is on. They are together. Michelle even walks in and says “Have mercy!” They trained those poor children so well. Again, children should not be actors, but the Olsen twins were so good at saying their lines on cue, and they were always looking excitedly off-screen to the person who was presumably directing them.

What an episode! Jesse and Becky are finally together. I hope she knows she’s never gonna get out of that miraculously expanding house. Any time you’re like, “How could they ever find room for more people?” just DON’T WORRY. They’ll renovate a garage. They’ll renovate an attic. They’ll figure it out! Joey has a cute blonde date he’ll forget about immediately. Danny is for sure going to have sex with that elderly woman wearing a bird hat. DJ is so over her bad boyfriend. Everyone’s happy!

I promise I’m not going to start recapping every episode of Full House, but I really couldn’t stop thinking about this one. And listen…this is a good sitcom, and I mean it. Our whole family is loving it, especially our son, who thinks Uncle Jesse is very funny and cool (he’s right). Full House is streaming on Max.