I failed miserably at my own YouTube fitness challenge

My new favorite movie...is YouTube.

This summer, I set a goal to decrease the amount of time I spend on Instagram. I’m spending much less time there now, but a new obsession has sprung up in its place: YouTube. I’m like a tween boy obsessed with his favorite gamers, except I’m watching women who share the mundane details of their life and talk at length about what they’re eating for breakfast. Sometimes they’re interesting, but often they’re boring…just boring enough for a freak like me. I don’t care at all about Get Ready With Me/makeup/haul videos (I hate shopping…why do I want to see someone else shopping?), but I love morning routine videos. Give me something titled “My Slow 5 AM morning routine as a SAHM Mom of Five Kids” and I am seated. What is the mom doing at 5 AM? What is she eating? How is she working out (she’s always working out)? What kind of weird protein creamer is she using in her coffee? I just need to know every single detail.

I got very into this woman I call “my tradwife” when I’m telling Hollis about her, even though she’s not a tradwife (her family’s primary income is her YouTube channel). She has five children and we could not be more ideologically different, and not in a fun “we’re all different and that’s okay!” way. She makes everything out of sourdough, even things you didn’t know could be made out of sourdough. Do I relate to her? No. Do I understand her? No. Would we get along? Again, no, she would hate me. But do I drop everything when she has a new video about how she organizes her kitchen? Yes. There’s an entire subreddit dedicated to her. I’m not going to link her YouTube because I’m embarrassed!

But watching too many videos about women with tons of children who believe in being submissive to a man was actually bad for my mental health. Then I got into challenge videos. You know, like “I Walked 10,000 steps a day and here’s what I learned.” I love arbitrary goals and challenges so this was perfect for me. I found Makari Espe, who I love in an uncomplicated way, unlike my tradwife. The first video I saw was this one where she walks 30,000 steps a day. That’s so many steps! She’s funny and she’s adorable but she also talks about hard things like her dad’s health challenges and her own post-concussion depression. Her video about doing cardio for thirty days is genuinely moving.

And then I discovered videos about the ultimate challenge…75 Hard. If you don’t know what 75 Hard is, wow, I’m jealous of you. It’s a 75 day “mental toughness” challenge that might be nice for people who aren’t obsessive or don’t have a history of disordered eating or exercise (or people who want to lean into their obsession and/or further exacerbate their disordered eating and exercising). But that is, quite obviously, not me! There are a few different things you have to do every day in this challenge, the biggest/weirdest one being that you must do two 45 minute workouts, spaced at least three hours apart, and one of them has to be outside. This isn’t necessarily anything absurd. Could I and do I walk for that long some days? Sure. But like…why does one have to be outside (mental toughness, that’s why!)? Why do they have to be at different times of the day? What if you get sick? Well, you’ve gotta start over, that’s what!

What if you want to modify this challenge in some way? No! Not allowed! If you want to change or modify the program, says Mr. 75 hard, “that’s the WHOLE PROBLEM OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.” Bold and capital letters his. I’m already feeling like I’m being yelled at, and I do not respond to that energy. I yell at myself enough as it is, I don’t need to welcome the founder of a supplement company into my brain so I can be yelled at further.

But this all a little beside the point. There are so many 75 Hard challenge videos on YouTube, and they are fascinating. “I just don’t know how she’s going to get her second workout done when she has to take a trip to Charleston for work,” I’d say to Hollis, fretting as I chopped carrots. “What?” he would respond.

This is how I found Jennifer Madison, who I now love as if she’s a close personal friend. I think she lives in Ohio, so maybe she could be! She’s done 75 Hard multiple times, but the reason her videos work is that she’s normal (complimentary). She has an office job, which maybe doesn’t sound like anything unusual. But many YouTubers have the job of…YouTube. This is a little like a snake eating its own tail when it comes to content creation. I mean, of course you can complete 75 Hard when filming yourself completing 75 Hard is the way you’re earning money. It’s much harder when you have to drive to an office and work for eight hours a day! Jennifer has documented a true transformation in her life—not just a number on the scale, but her sobriety, her energy levels, her attitude, etc. Also she has a very cute dog. I love her.

Naturally, as I watched these videos and chopped lots of vegetables my mind wandered to what I would do if I had a YouTube channel of my very own. I never would, because seeing my own face on camera would send me over the edge and I cannot listen to the sound of my own voice. But…what if? What if I did my own challenge, something like 75 Hard? I already know I love arbitrary fitness goals…I set them all the time for my Peloton workouts. What if I, shall we say, modified or changed the 75 Hard program? Oh no, I’m sorry, a musclebound man selling vitamins just appeared in my home and he’s telling me that apparently this is the whole problem of my entire life?? Okay, scrap that plan.

I decided to create my own challenge, like the YouTuber I (don’t) dream of becoming. Every day, I will:

-Walk 10,000 steps

-Meditate

-Do ten minutes of yoga or stretching

-Spend ten minutes or less on Instagram

-Read 50 pages

These are all things I already want to do, things that I know will immeasurably improve my life. Since I’m a born blogger and not a born vlogger, I will document here on Substack. Here we go.

Day 1

I started doing this challenge while central Ohio is under a heat advisory, so I had to walk the dogs early in the morning and I was still so drenched in sweat that I needed to shower again. I was really grateful for the chance to get 5,000 steps in during the morning and clear my head. We had an unexpected death in my extended family last week, and obviously that led to some bad thoughts. Well, I guess I just figured out why I started this challenge at the precise moment I did.

Me on my walks, trying to outrun thoughts of mortality. It’s not working!!

I asked Hollis if he thought I started this challenge at a bad time and he said, “No, I think you need this.” He knows that I need something to hang my hat on in times of stress.

I did a ten minute stretch with my girl Kirra on the Peloton app. Kirra is my favorite yoga instructor even though her flows are, honestly, way too challenging for me. I did a Peloton meditation, only used Instagram for ten minutes, and I didn’t really read. First day of my self-imposed challenge and I boldly ignored one of my own rules—the only thing I read was The Magician’s Nephew with my son. Onward!

Step count: 10,470

Day 2

I didn’t wake up early enough to take the dogs on a long walk, meaning I didn’t get enough steps in the morning before it reached Rob Thomas Singing the Beginning of Smooth levels of hot outside. We went to the pool (no steps because I take off my Fitbit) and watched a movie (no steps because I was sitting still like a normal person, not watching a movie on the treadmill which I also love to do). I had to pace around the bed at night while Merlin looked at me like, “girl wtf?”

I did a ten minute evening stretch with my favorite Peloton instructor Matty Maggiacomo and a meditation with Nico. Nico is German but every once in awhile she has an English language class…she still ends it with “auf wiedersehen” and I find that fun! I read my Jim Henson book at home, Standard Deviation at the pool, and Mason Currey’s Daily Rituals on my Kindle in bed. I stayed under my Instagram limit.

Step count: 10,097

Day 3

I started the day with another Nico meditation and an early but not early enough dog walk. I got in extra steps because I forgot poop bags FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER on a walk when Grover pooped twice (??), so I had to loudly announce, “okay Grover we’re going to go get poop bags and then we’ll be right back!” in case anyone saw me and assumed I was leaving poop in a neighbor’s yard, and then I power walked back out with poop bags in tow. I would rather die than leave dog poop in someone’s yard so this was extremely stressful for me.

I did a ten minute Britney Spears stretch with Matty. Have you ever stretched to a remix of “I Was Born to Make You Happy?” Well, maybe you should. I read my Jim Henson book and a good chunk of The Magician’s Nephew. I’m actually not sure if I was at 50 pages so I think I have to lower the page count here. I’m having a difficult time reading because Hollis and I got ourselves into a pickle. I paused our Netflix subscription because I could no longer stomach paying $17.99 a month, and it goes into effect in less than a week…but we started watching Dept. Q and I need to know what’s happening with this cold case. Not to mention what’s going on in Matthew Goode’s personal life! So every night as soon as our son gets into bed, we’re watching Dept. Q. What we’re trying to avoid is not finishing the last episode before Netflix runs out. This is all just a long-winded way of saying I don’t have my usual evening reading time! Let’s go for 35 pages a day from now on because I’m just depressing myself.

I went slightly over my Instagram limits today, and you know what? It felt kinda bad. I was abusing it and I regret it.

Step count: 10, 896

Day 4

I did so bad with Instagram. Let’s not even talk about it. I read a ton at the pool so CHECK. I did a meditation that ended up being one of my best ever meditation experiences. Meditation, for me, feels really amazing like once a month, pretty relaxing most of the time, and like absolutely nothing sometimes too. I did a Peloton morning yoga with Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts where she played Fela Kuti, and I don’t know what it was but it got me. I felt the best I have in days! Boundless energy!

Me after doing yoga

I walked on the treadmill while I watched The Conversation. A little life hack: if you want to watch more movies and you have a step goal, you can just watch movies on the treadmill. Two birds, one stone.

Steps: 10, 871

Day 5

I did a morning walk, then saved meditation for later and almost fell asleep. This is why I’ve gotta do morning meditations. We’re going to finish Dept. Q soon and not a moment too soon because I need my evenings back.

Steps: 10, 342

Day 6

Did my meditation, got my steps, finished The Conversation on the treadmill (kinda thought I was gonna fall off during THAT scene), and read my Jim Henson book.

Steps: 10, 294

Day 7

Chase flew in and we got to pick him up! I didn’t get my steps in…I could have, but while we were all around the Winfrey family fire pit Chase called out my, ahem, “weird pacing that makes everyone uncomfortable.” This is what it’s like with my family. You can’t do anything (set a fitness goal, make a weird noise, have even one fear that others perceive as irrational, etc.) without someone making an example of you. I did read a lot, though. Did I meditate or stretch? No! Sometimes you have to realize that being with your family and/or not being made fun of by your family is more important than your arbitrary goals.

Steps: 9, 141

Day 8

The funeral was today and I didn’t think I would get my steps in…I mean, what was I going to do? Do laps around the funeral home? Hollis took our son out to walk around Mansfield during calling hours and he was like, “We stopped in front of an impressive looking building but it turned out it was the jail!” Welcome to Mansfield! It was a bad day until we went to the Bellville fireworks at night. I was so happy to be there, almost directly under the fireworks because my dad needs to be as close as possible, that I was like, “Am I gonna cry as these fireworks detonate and Born in the USA plays even though the lyrics are not really patriotic, per se?” I didn’t cry, but I was happy to be with my family and listening to Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Neil Diamond, and even Toby Keith. The original fireworks gang, may no one ever challenge their reign. And I got my steps in because there was so much walking around the site of my former elementary school.

Chasey at the fireworks. Probably the only person there reading Baldwin, just a guess.

I did my mediation and stretch early today because I knew I was gonna need it. I easily avoided Instagram but didn’t read enough.

Steps: 10, 665

The rest of the days

Okay, so here’s the thing…this breakdown is ultimately too boring to continue, so let’s recap. At one point I was certain I’d broken my toe (from tripping over my own son’s foot at the Columbus Book Festival), but it turned out I’d only bruised it. I guess. I mean, what was I supposed to do, go to urgent care and get a toe x-ray? In this economy/with this copay? I don’t think so. The point is, my toe turned VERY purple and I avoided walking for a few days, which really messed up my step goals.

I think I hit my step goal 18 days out of 30. That’s barely half! If I was a YouTuber, I’d have some explaining to do. In my defense, many of the days I didn’t hit my goal I was very close, and many of the days I didn’t hit my goal I was afraid my toe was broken. Is that any excuse, though? I don’t think so. The YouTubers made this thing work no matter what.

I did so well with meditation and yoga—almost every day for both. The mediation had the biggest tangible effect on me. I already meditate frequently, but making a real point to do it every day made me feel noticeably better. I reacted a lot more slowly when things annoyed me (which is frequently, because I have a bad personality). And the yoga and stretching just made me feel so much better—like, I can’t even tell you what a difference it makes. It almost eliminates pain and soreness. Also sometimes yoga makes me cry, which I really enjoy—I need all the emotional catharsis I can get. I had a small panic attack this month, which freaked me out because I haven’t had one in awhile. Yoga is one of the few things that helps me get a full breath in when my chest feels tight, and this was a good reminder that I need to prioritize it even when I don’t feel like it.

Weirdly, the things I did the worst with were Instagram and reading. Well, I did okay with my Instagram goal, but my real problem was that I fully replaced it, and then some, with YouTube. Is some girl in Scotland having a cozy morning? I’m watching her go about her routine while I do my makeup. Is someone explaining how they prepare a week’s worth of meals for their family of five on a budget of $100 a week? I’m listening as I make dinner. At first I thought this was better, because I only watch YouTube while I’m actively doing other things so it’s not like I’m wasting time, but I think it’s probably not good to have some stranger’s voice in my head for every second of every day. Like, maybe I need to be alone with my thoughts. That’s literally the whole point of meditation.

And why am I doing so bad with reading? The thing I love the most, and the thing I have to do for work anyway? I don’t know! I think part of it is that it’s genuinely hard for me to make time in the summer, but that’s an excuse. I’m just doing other things. But I always feel better when I read more, so I should do it.

Ultimately, here’s what I learned:

-I love meditating.

-I need to stay off my phone more.

-Yoga and stretching are sooooo good.

-Maybe I don’t actually need some super strict challenge. I mean, I always think of myself as someone who meets my goals. I don’t usually need external pressure—I respond very well to internal pressure and I like doing what I say I will. But I don’t want to complete those goals just because of an arbitrary rule. I love arbitrary goals, but I’m making them for a reason. I’d rather focus on that reason instead of hitting every part of my checklist. Walking was supposed to make me feel better—it didn’t make sense to avoid hanging out with family so I could walk, because that would make me feel worse. If I forgot to do yoga until nighttime, it didn’t make sense to force myself to do it at 11 pm instead of just going to sleep.

This, among many other reasons (not hot enough, don’t know how to make videos), is why I’d make a bad YouTuber. I’m just not committed! As the guy who invented 75 Hard would say, this is the WHOLE PROBLEM OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I’d say he has some problems with syntax, but who am I to judge anyone? I can’t even walk 10,000 steps a day for thirty days without seriously injuring my toe in a freak tripping accident.

After completing (“completing”) this challenge, I’ve been meditating daily and doing yoga almost as often. It feels great. I’d like to say I’m doing better at staying off my phone, but I’m not, really. But we still have a couple weeks of summer left here and I’m recommitting to that, at least when I’m with my son.

If this was my YouTube video, I’d tell you to hit that subscribe button but…you know, I can still do that with Substack. Hit that subscribe button, you guys! It’s RIGHT HERE!

Please let me know which YouTubers you enjoy, particularly if they’re quiet women in their 30s or 40s (my people). See you soon. xo