This is all extremely Raven
Eyes of Laura Mars (1978) is kind of a rom-com.
As someone who loves horror movies but is a giant scaredy cat and prone to nightmares, spooky season is an exercise in self control. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t watch an Ari Aster film, but I still want to. It’s really best when I find a scary movie that’s not too scary, and Eyes of Laura Mars fits the bill. It’s sort of a horror film— there are many murders, after all, and the murder weapon is an ice pick, and John Carpenter wrote the initial screenplay (back when it was simply called Eyes…iconic). If I’m being honest (and a wimp), I actually did get a nightmare after watching the first half of this film, even though it’s more tense than scary. Also, it’s kind of a rom-com, albeit one with the weirdest romantic resolution ever. Let’s get into it!
Laura Mars (Faye Dunaway) is a fashion photographer who’s known for her provocative, violent imagery—think glamorous models posing in glamorous lingerie while covered in blood, or wearing fur coats while fighting in front of the wreckage of a car accident. The American public simply can’t get enough of this work and she is in demand. This is cultural commentary! She even has a book of her photography out called The Eyes of Mars, which makes me think…why is the book title different than the movie title? Were they going to call it The Eyes of Mars, but then some executive thought that wasn’t clear enough so they changed it and also dropped the article? These are the things that keep me up at night (well, also the ice pick murder nightmares).
Anyway, Laura’s having a big party to celebrate her new coffee table book, but before it comes out she has a dream/vision/hazy premonition that a friend of hers has been murdered. The way the film shows this is by giving us an extreme close up of Laura’s eyes. It’s like Wayne’s World, but more horrifying.
And then it’s kind of like That’s So Raven, and by kind of I mean exactly. That’s So Laura Mars. I’m not out here trying to pretend that I’m young enough to have watched That’s So Raven when I was in the intended age range; I watched it in college with my friends when we were bored. Sometimes I think about what I might have accomplished in college if I hadn’t spent all my time watching, like, DVDs of Degrassi Junior High and reruns of Rock of Love. But no regrets! Perhaps I was preparing for a life where I write books full of pop culture references and newsletters where I analyze weird films.
Anyway again! When Raven was having a psychic vision of the future, she would stop, look into the camera with a panicked expression, and then the camera would zoom into her eyes. Once again, I am wondering what the other people in this library think if they glance at my computer right now.
None of Raven’s visions, that I remember, involved murder. Unfortunately all of Laura’s do. Weirdly, she takes the POV of the murderer in these visions (the twist is NOT that she’s actually the murderer, don’t get excited and think you’ve figured it out).
At her big fashion party, Laura runs into a cop played by Tommy Lee Jones. His character has a name, but I’m not going to look it up or use it. Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t know he’s talking to the Laura Mars and is going on and on about how exploitative he finds this photography and how terrible it is. Laura’s like, “Uh, ok.” Honestly, this is like a lot of situations you’ll find yourself in as an author.
Once Laura finds out that the murder actually happened and it wasn’t just some weird dream, she tells the police that she witnessed a murder…except she has to be like, “Okay but I witnessed it in my mind” and the police don’t really care for that. One thing about cops: they’re not into hazy psychic visions!
Laura gets a vision of another murder that really happens (this time it’s another one of her colleagues who was also dating Laura’s ex-husband, played by Raul Julia…hate it when that happens!) and goes to the police station.
Tommy Lee Jones is a cop, it turns out (why was he at an artsy photography book release party?) and he’s investigating the case. Apparently a lot of Laura’s photographs closely mirror actual crime scenes photos that have never been released to the public. But…how? Well, keep on wondering. The movie never explains why Laura has her murder visions OR why her photographs look like actual crime scene photos. She just has visions, ok! What more do you freaks need to know??
We can’t focus too much on the whys or hows of Laura’s visions because we’ve got a romance brewing. Have you ever thought about whether Tommy Lee Jones is hot? I haven’t, because he’s been an old man as long as I’ve been alive. But it turns out he was also an old man when he was in this film, when he was in his thirties. It’s possible he was born an old man. He has deep lines on his forehead that no amount of Botox could ever erase. He also has a flowing mane. I’ve never seen Tommy Lee Jones with so much hair!
Tommy Lee Jones insulting Laura’s photography at her release party was their meet cute—this is the plot of many enemies-to-lovers rom-coms, actually, although none of those involve murder. Sure, Laura’s worried that her friends are being murdered and she’s psychically witnessing their moments of death via ice pick, but like…is Tommy Lee Jones kind of hot? She’s just got a lot going on. She’s also still trying to work (doing photo shoots in abandoned warehouses) and you know how stressful things get during a book release week.
But then two of Laura’s models die by ice pick! She can’t ignore that something is up. The film really wants us to suspect Laura’s weird agent, who’s always glowering and wearing scarves, or Laura’s driver, who has an unfortunate case of looking like a serial killer. At this point, we are really running out of possible suspects because most of the characters have been killed. Laura only has so many friends!
After the models’ funeral (are joint funerals a thing? They are in this film!), Laura is distraught and ends up walking around in the woods with Tommy Lee Jones. The sexual tension between them could be cut with a knife (if the murderer used knives). Yes, she’s a fashion photographer whose friends are being systematically picked off. And yes, he’s the cop assigned to protect her who also doesn’t respect her work. But that doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love! Emotions are high right now, and they sleep together, after which Tommy Lee Jones gives Laura a gun to protect herself.
At this point, I was like, “Okay, Tommy Lee Jones is clearly the killer.” Sure, he seems genuinely into Laura, but there are only three other characters left: her agent (too suspicious to be real suspect), her driver (same), her ex-husband (not in the movie enough). That leaves…Tommy Lee Jones. But then why did he give her a gun?
Well, we find out soon. Her agent gets killed and the cops suspect the driver, whom they kill. Tommy Lee Jones calls Laura and is like, “Great news babe, we killed the murderer. Pack your bags, we’re getting the hell out of Dodge!” But then…Laura has another vision, just as we see Tommy Lee Jones getting into an elevator with the film’s one remaining character, Laura’s ex-husband. Laura sees someone getting murdered but come on, we know Tommy Lee Jones is the murderer at this point! It’s him! Duh!
He gives Laura a bonkers monologue where he reveals he had a terrible childhood and his mom was murdered in front of him (or something…I was busy yelling “WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?” during this scene so I can’t speak to specifics). And the reason he gave Laura that gun and seemed to genuinely want to catch the killer is that…he has two personalities? The murderer and the cop. He tries to kill Laura but she grabs the gun, and he turns back into Good Tommy Lee Jones and is like, “Laura…if you love me…you need to kill me. The bad man is inside me.” And she does! The end! The camera zooms in on her eyes, again. I hope she doesn’t have any more visions but it remains unclear where those are coming from or why she psychically recreated crime scene photos. Not important, I guess!
The film ends with an absolute Barbra Streisand banger, “Prisoner (Love Theme from The Eyes of Laura Mars).” I miss the days when movies had “themes.” And note that even this song calls it a love theme. This is a romance! Apparently Barbra was initially supposed to star in this film—I think Faye Dunaway has a great amount of creepy coldness, but Barbra would’ve been so good. This song is a litmus test for whether or not you’ll love the film…do you get chills at the campy drama? Then you should watch Eyes of Laura Mars right away. It’s currently streaming on Criterion Channel and Tubi.
It’s a short one this week because I’m preparing for the final post of Franzen Fall (the Franzen Finale?) on Friday. Franzen Finale Fall Friday. A dream for someone who loves alliteration. But I just had to tell you guys about this bonkers movie that I loved so much. Did it make sense? No. Did it answer most of the questions it posed? Absolutely not. Did it make me question everything I’ve ever held true about Tommy Lee Jones? YES. It also gave me the worst movie hangover. After this, nothing was dramatic enough, weird enough, engaging enough. Maybe…I just need to go back to That’s So Raven.
I’m going to continue watching films for spooky season so I’ll be sure to let you know if I see anything good. I’ll tell you one thing for free, though: Secret Window (starring Johnny Depp) is very bad. Not even fun enough to write about. I saw a Letterboxd review that said “the real twist is that the hat looks bad on everyone,” which I realize it only funny if you’ve seen the film, but also don’t watch that film. I think I’m going to watch Personal Shopper next, which I’m aware isn’t really a horror film but I have a broad definition of “scary.” See you Friday. xo
This is great! We watched this in a college film class and I don't think I appreciated it enough. Must watch again!
This was great - and yes, let's bring back the movie theme song!