Ranking the men of Grantchester

Because I watched the season three finale and I got mad!

I’m so mad just looking at them.

Warning: This post contains lots and lots of spoilers for season three of Grantchester. I haven’t yet watched further seasons, so if you spoil it for me I will be mad!

I have to pause planned upcoming newsletter content (a post about Ghost World for Flashback Summer, about which all I can say is…gird your loins, things are getting wild) because something recently happened that I can’t ignore. Hollis and I watched the season three finale of Grantchester, and while I thought I knew what would happen, I really did not. I can’t even remember the last time an episode of television made me so viscerally angry. I yelled at the TV, I couldn’t sleep, I ranted to Hollis about it days later. And while I was basically screaming at the sky about this show I love that’s full of useless men, I remembered something…I started a newsletter for precisely this purpose.

Back in 2021, I may not have known that someday I would need to newsletter to talk about a PBS detective show from 2017, but here we are. This is perhaps the most niche, least relevant topic I could discuss. Here’s my ranking of the men of Grantchester, from best to worst (or from best to most useless):

1. Leonard. First things first: I love Leonard, would die for Leonard, etc. He’s often the comic relief (as someone who’s a little too uptight and in his own head), but he’s also driving some of the most emotional storylines. He’s a closeted gay man, although of course Sidney knows the truth. My heart breaks thinking about him because I just want him to be happy and I hope that’s possible for him in this time and this place. However, Leonard isn’t without his share of inconveniencing women. For example, he did propose to a woman and go so far as taking engagement photos. And he did kind of tell her that he thought sex with her would be disgusting? But he was in a rough spot! The archdeacon (?) told him he should get married! He didn’t mean to hurt anyone! I forgive him, always, unless he takes a turn for the worse. Also I loved that he yelled at Sidney for being a selfish jerk, which Sidney often is. Leonard may not be able to handle being present during childbirth, but he will sort of stand up for you during a bank robbery and yell at Sidney, two things I appreciate.

2. Dickens. Dickens is a dog and hasn’t ever done anything wrong. I love a black dog (I have two). He would be number one on this list if not for the fact that I love Leonard so much.

3. Jack. He basically just waited around for Mrs. M’s husband to die so he could marry her, and I respect that level of patience. Also he tried to physically assault Ronnie so he’d leave Mrs. M alone. Sure, when he first showed up on screen I thought he was a murderer, but at this point I assume he isn’t. Basically, he’s not actively screwing up any woman’s life and seems to put no real demands on Mrs. M, which is all I can ask for in a Grantchester man.

4. Ronnie. Ronnie is terrible (disappeared for no good reason, stole Mrs. M’s life savings, had a whole secret family, etc.) but he had the good sense to die before he could screw up another woman’s life. Of course, his dying emotionally devastated his current wife and Mrs. M, but at least now he can’t bother anyone else.

5. Phil. Honestly I forgot about Phil until Hollis reminded me. He sucks because he spitefully told Geordie’s wife about Geordie’s affair! Did she need to know? Probably, eventually. But I don’t think sidling up to her at the bar at the big policeman’s ball and then cruelly dropping this reveal on her was the right way to do it. I hope Phil can’t sleep at night!

6. Guy. Ugh. I hate his little beard so much. He was a bad husband to Amanda (rude, dismissive, possibly abusive), but you know what? At least he was clear about what he wanted. And in the end, he wasn’t so bad. Which is more than I can say for some men…

7. Sidney. Yes, Grantchester himself. The hot vicar. The man I love to hate! Listen, I’m no stranger to being romantically disappointed by fictional men of the cloth. Example: the Fleabag finale. But that finale made perfect emotional sense. I ended it feeling like my heart had been ripped out and I loved every second of it. But this finale just felt annoying, and that was mostly Sidney’s fault. He’s gone back and forth on staying with the church vs. being with a divorced woman for a couple of seasons now, and he’s chosen the church a couple of times. It’s the most prominent plotline on the show (forget about the constant murders). So to have the entire dilemma play out again and then have the exact same conclusion? It felt tiresome. And it made me kind of hate Sidney! Amanda tried to leave him alone. He’s the one who showed up at her house and had sex with her on the stairs. He’s the one who told her he was resigning from the church. He’s the one who made her think he was going to be a father to her baby. She’s a single mom who works two jobs, love her kid and never stops, and Sidney’s out here playing with her emotions because he’s going through something (that something being his feelings of doubt about his entire vocation and belief system). Also he ran away to spend several days with a Romani caravan and solve a murder without telling her anything about his whereabouts…which I guess is something you should get used to if you know Sidney, but maybe you shouldn’t have to! And remember that time he cheated on Hildegard? Honestly, Sidney. Unfortunately I think this finale was hastily written because a lot of it didn’t make sense, and a ton of the action was crammed into the last ten minutes…and also Amanda didn’t even come to Mrs. M’s wedding. Like, is she just gone forever? What was the point? Right now, I welcome a new hot vicar. Bring it on. Sidney’s on my last nerve.

8. Geordie. Geordie!!! Wow. I haven’t been so mad at a useless man in a while. Geordie has a lovely wife at home who’s raising their four children. She loves him despite the fact that he a) doesn’t know how to show emotions, b) definitely has a drinking problem, and c) flies off the handle with suspects regularly when he’s having a bad day. And how does he repay her? By having a longstanding affair with a coworker! Wow! Every episode was Sidney was like, “Geordie, is this still going on?” and then Geordie was like, “Don’t judge me, Sidney.” And then Phil (Phil) told Geordie’s wife what was going on and she kicked Geordie out of the house. But in the last episode, basically also in the last ten minutes, Geordie was like, “Hmm, I feel so bad and wish my wife loved me again” and I guess he’s forgiven. Not that I think she shouldn’t forgive him…narratively it makes sense, and what else is she going to do? Raise four kids alone? Unlike Amanda, she’s not Reba McEntire (she does have red hair). But the fact that it happened so quickly was extremely unsatisfying.

Okay, that’s it. I’m not sure how much longer we’ll be able to stick with Grantchester. I’ve loved it and it’s brought so much joy and discussion into our lives, but all good things/hot vicars must come to an end. Perhaps the new hot vicar will draw me back in…who can say. If you have Grantchester thoughts (up to season three! No spoilers!) or want to discourage/encourage me to continue onto season four, let me know. Until then, I’ll be hastily ripping off my vicar’s collar and going on a crime-solving bender.