Monthly Roundup Vol. 10

Oscar films, Food Network, and going to the doctor.

Typically roundup posts are for paid subscribers, but this month I’m making the roundup free for all subscribers. Just to give you an idea of what it’s like…but I’m not trying to give you a hard sell on becoming a paid subscriber. I hate a hard sell. The paid subscription is merely an option if you want to know what I’ve been doing, reading, and watching over the course of the month (with frequent embarrassing stories that must stay behind a paywall) and, of course, the Alice series recaps. Speaking of the Alice series, I also made the very first Alice post free so you can see if you’re interested in reading along with me. It’s a real highlight of every month.

Anyway, as usual, thanks for reading whether you’re a free or paid subscriber. Sometimes I see posts where people complain that everyone has a Substack, or they start a Substack and are like, “Ugh, here I am, doing this TERRIBLE THING that we ALL HATE!” But the truth is…I love Substack newsletters. I love your Substack. There are ten people I can think of right now who I WISH would start a Substack. There are ten people I wish would update their Substack more frequently. I’ve been getting obsessed with other people’s online journals since high school…this is heaven for me. Please send me and your thousands of subscribers all the mundane details of your day. I love it!

And with that, let’s get on with the roundup. I watched and read a lot this month, plus I actually went to the doctor. Please clap!

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Movies

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934). I mentioned before that I’m doing the Criterion Challenge on Letterboxd this year, and this fit one of the first few prompts. It was fun! I would love to fill in some of my Hitchcock gaps.

Minions. I watched this with my son and there’s no reason for you to watch it unless you’re with a kid. But if you are with a kid…big laughs.

Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. I’ve mentioned many times that I’m not a Star Wars person, unless we’re talking about The Mandalorian, which is a show about a single dad just trying to do his best that also stars Werner Herzog and Amy Sedaris. But otherwise I do not care for Star Wars because I don’t like a giant universe where everything has to connect back to other stories. It’s just a personal preference! But the great thing about these films is that they’re the first ones so you don’t have to worry about that. I’ve seen the original movies many, many times throughout my life (my dad even took us to see the rereleases in theaters when I was a kid), but this was our first time showing them to our son that he could remember (technically he watched them as a very small child). He loved them and said, “Han Solo is kind of rude.” True! I explained to him what “sassy” means.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem. This movie was GOOD! It was funny and the animation looked good and the celebrity voices (Paul Rudd) were enjoyable. Also there was an unexpected musical moment that I loved!

Migration. We saw this in the theater and it was fine! But any time I’m in a theater, I’m happy.

The Zone of Interest. Speaking of theaters…this was a film that reminded me of the value of seeing a movie on a giant screen surrounded by strangers. A few weeks ago I was like, “I’m taking some time for ME” and then did so by going to see a harrowing film about Nazis. I found this film extremely affecting. It was a packed theater at the Gateway and everyone was completely silent the entire time…my Fitbit tracked the runtime of the movie as time I spent sleeping, which has never happened before during any of the many movies I watch. I think I was just frozen. I get that sometimes people don’t want to watch Holocaust films, but this is very, very different from anything I’ve ever seen. There were times I almost felt ill. Please see it on a big screen if you get the chance…the sound is like nothing else. Funny story: the film starts with a couple minutes of a black screen as horrifying music/sounds play. Someone walked in late to this packed theater and stumbled around with the phone flashlight on, trying to find their seat, walking down the wrong aisle and doubling back in the absolute pitch black. The film itself has zero levity so this moment struck me as extra funny. This is probably the Oscar nominated film I’ve thought about the most because it does feel very relevant. I read the news and then I sit here and type my silly little newsletter and ignore that innocent people are being bombed…it’s hard not to think of the world’s complicity, of your own complicity, as you watch. The ending was, in my opinion, perfect and haunting. I need to watch the rest of Jonathan Glazer’s films because I loved Birth just as much.

Killers of the Flower Moon. I watched this a couple of days after The Zone of Interest and uh…did you guys know humanity has done some awful things? I avoided seeing this in the theater because I was afraid I would fall asleep during such a long runtime and I didn’t want to waste my money. I shouldn’t have worried, because I was rapt the entire time. Every second was compelling. Everyone is right about Lily Gladstone. I loved Leo’s accent. The real star for me was Robert DeNiro…it takes a pro to give such funny line deliveries while also being despicable. And then I googled the Pioneer Woman’s connection to the Osage people. Hmm! Not good! I planned on watching all the Oscar movies but I had to take a break after these two.

Groundhog Day. This movie is only rated PG, so we watched it with our son on Groundhog Day. He really enjoyed it, maybe because we told him it was a grownup movie. It also gave us the opportunity to talk about a lot of deeper issues, like consent and being a kind person. I love this film so much. In high school this was one of my ideal rom-coms and I would’ve DIED for Bill Murray in this role. What the hell was wrong with me?

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. I watched this on Freeform with my mom when I was at my parents’ house. I love watching movies on cable so much. Every use of “bullshit” (and there are many) was changed to…”bullspit.” I’m not joking. This is a crucial part of the movie, you may remember, because Kate Hudson plays the card game Bullshit with Michael McConaughey’s family as she’s beginning to really fall for him, and then he brings it back by calling her on her bullshit when he drives his little motorcycle after her cab on the bridge and tells her she’s running away. Now imagine him saying “bullspit.” That’s comedy.

That Darn Cat! (1965). You guys! This movie is actually SO GOOD! Sometimes “family” films can be so tedious that I hesitate to even watch them, but this was really fun and I definitely didn’t remember how intense it was. Also that cat was such a good actor…how did they get it to do so much? How many hours of cat footage did they film?

Defending Your Life. Hollis and I watched this one and we both laughed a lot. Rip Torn is so funny. Meryl Streep is so hot. Albert Brooks is the neurotic writer/actor I WISH I’d had a crush on in high school instead of Woody Allen (unfortunately I can’t erase this part of my past, much as I’d like to). Also it was very funny to think…wow, The Good Place borrowed a LOT of this concept, huh? No shade because I, of all people, certainly can’t judge an homage or inspiration. Anyway I wish the afterlife was like this. My son’s been asking us a lot what we think happens when we die, which is hard because we’re not religious so we usually just end up talking about the various things different religions believe. Maybe I should just show him this movie.

TV

As usual, I’m very bad at watching TV, even the things I like. I just can’t keep up with it. But we’re still loving How to With John Wilson. I’m so sad that we’re finally on the third season, but I know I can just start it over again. We’re often genuinely moved and it’s one of the few shows that makes us both laugh out loud, hard. At one point (during the vanity license plate bit, if you remember it) we had to pause the TV because Hollis was laughing so hard. My abs hurt. I love this show so much.

We’re also so happy that our Food Network fave, Tournament of Champions, is back. A fun fact is that before I started this newsletter, back when I was toying with various ideas and themes and before I decided the theme was just “whatever I want,” I was going to write entirely about Food Network. I mean, I have a lot of thoughts. Food Network is basically our Bravo. TOC, if you aren’t aware, is a bracket-style cooking competition that is hosted by Guy Fieri, who rules as a loving but firm overlord. He will not bend the rules for anyone, not even the contestant who literally burned himself while attempting to beat the clock by carrying a hot pan with bare hands.

But there’s something different happening this year. I feel like I’m probably speaking mostly to an audience that isn’t obsessed with Food Network here, so I’ll try to recap, but just know that this has so thoroughly rocked out household that Hollis and I have had almost daily conversations about it. One of Food Network’s most frequent competitors and judges (in the Guy-verse, anyway), Darnell Ferguson, was accused of what sounds like domestic abuse. This was a guy who was hosting his own show and who was definitely going to be involved in TOC, which hadn’t aired yet but was already filmed when the charges became public. This was a guy we watched almost daily with our son (who, weirdly, loves Food Network despite subsisting on French fries and air!)…and now he was charged with things like “strangulation.” They pulled his show, but Hollis and I have been full of questions about how they would handle his involvement in this much-hyped competition. This is Guy Fieri’s baby. We just started the first episode and we’re impressed by and sorry for the editors, who have somehow made sure he’s not visible in any group shots. They must’ve had to re-edit the entire episode. We’re so curious what they’re going to do about his actual competition.

Also did you guys know Guy Fieri is bringing something called Flavortown Festival to Columbus? The cheapest tickets are $155. Bret Michaels is going to be there. I’m (probably) not going.

Books

I read so much this month but a lot of it was for work so here’s just a highlight of some stuff I read for fun.

Heartbroke by Chelsea Bieker. This book! Aaaa! I’m reading more short stories this year and I loved this collection, which was weird and dark and funny and truly not like anything else. Twice I laughed out loud at lines that are still in my head (but they’re too dirty to repeat here). One thing I love about short stories is that they’re the best place to find the genre I call “a person makes one wrong decision and now everything’s screwed up.” Like, that’s most short stories. Chelsea Bieker is really good at that. So many moments where you’re like, “Oh noooooooo.”

Funny Story by Emily Henry. Not to brag but I read the upcoming Emily Henry and…it’s my favorite yet. I LOVED IT. I want to reread it already. It has strong “Nick and Jess from New Girl” vibes in the absolute best way. It’s funny, it’s cozy, it’s set in Michigan. I loved it.

Another Marvelous Things by Laurie Colwin. If you follow me on Instagram then you already saw my rave review. I’ve been wanting to read Laurie Colwin forever…her name comes up a lot among my favorite writers, and my friend Lauren has been one of her biggest fans for a long time. But I put off reading her because 1) I was sad that she died so young, 2) I was concerned I wouldn’t “get it” because I don’t live in New York and 3) the old covers were so so ugly. Well they reissued the books with new BEAUTIFUL covers a few years ago so that excuse was gone. I had Another Marvelous Thing checked out from the library and sitting on my nightstand when I listened to Sarah Butler’s episode of What Should I Read Next (it’s a very good episode…I was excited to listen to it even before I realized that Sarah, who I KNOW, was the guest) and she mentioned Laurie Colwin. And then the book was due back at the library, so it seemed like the perfect time. Wow, what a preamble to say that I loved this book. Here’s my Instagram review: “I finally read my first Laurie Colwin and you guys, I’m in love! Perfect for anyone who was a Lorrie Moore girl in college. Perfect for anyone who is a Katherine Heiny girl now. Yes, I’m describing myself. If you need your characters to be super likable (whatever that word means in the context of fiction!) then go ahead and skip this one BUT if you’re looking for characters that are funny and weird and very human, you should read it. At one point I almost cried?? I put off reading Laurie Colwin for a long time because it made me sad to think that she died so young, and that’s still sad, but this book was amazing. It felt like a 1980s film in the best way (Chilly Scenes of Winter vibes…I wish Joan Micklin Silver made a movie of it!).”

Letter of Recommendation: Going to the Doctor

One of my 2024 goals was to actually go to the doctor, and I started out the year by having my first physical since I was a child. This was something I kept meaning to do because I’m always afraid there’s something wrong with me. I mean, there is something wrong with me. It’s called anxiety. But the anxiety is a constant thrum in my head that’s like, “maybe you’re anemic. Maybe you’re pre-diabetic. Maybe you’re having a heart attack. Maybe you should google your symptoms.” Well I’m here to tell you that simply having a physical and getting some basic blood work done is a delightfully calming experience! Paid subscribers may remember my disastrous visit to a new gynecologist (long, weird story, but the short version is that she tried to promote her book to me and unfortunately I have long believed that one shouldn’t mix business and pap smears). Luckily my PCP is actually great and very helpful. Once when I thought I was having a heart attack (see, I told you this was a theme) she even got me an EKG to confirm that I was, in fact, having a regular old panic attack.

It turns out that my blood work was great. Wonderful blood. The only issue was that my protein was high. My doctor was like, “Not concerning, just don’t have protein supplements or eat more protein than you need to.” You guys, I have been trying to eat more protein because everyone on the internet is always like, “Women need PROTEIN, I eat 60 grams of protein at BREAKFAST, eggs aren’t ENOUGH protein, you’re LOSING MUSCLE MASS.” I was buying that extra protein milk and yogurt and eating so many eggs and focusing on getting protein at every meal. Turns out I shouldn’t be listening to random people who aren’t even doctors and have no clue what they’re talking about. I don’t need more protein! Maybe you don’t either! Go to a doctor!

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Taylor Swift Corner is on an indefinite hiatus because I think we’ve had enough, right? I don’t mean that as a criticism. It’s just, like…there’s a lot. I’m getting nonstop emails from People.com about her. But you know what that means! We’re back on the….

Dakota Johnson Beat

Dakota has been everywhere and no one is happier than the stan accounts that populate my Instagram explore page. This is ostensibly because she’s on a press tour for Madame Web, but really she’s on a press tour for Dakota Johnson. I will be seeing Madame Web even though you guys know I can’t for the life of me stay awake for a Marvel movie (also…her name is Cassandra Webb?? Lol). Reviews of the film are almost uniformly terrible, but many of them note that she’s the only good part. Just look at this paragraph from David Erlich’s review:

“Almost every superhero origin story includes a few scenes where its disbelieving hero rolls their eyes at their newfound powers and responsibilities, but few actors have ever had more fun with it than Johnson does here. I don’t want to spoil the best moment of a film that only has about three good ones, so let’s just say that Johnson manages to redeem one of the most gratuitous and worst-written scenes in the history of superhero movies — or modern studio movies of any kind, really — with a joke so wildly morbid and perfectly delivered that the otherwise half-conscious audience at my screening roared with laughter.”

I mean…say less, David! Just call me Lonestar because I’m already there (in the theater, asleep in my seat with popcorn all over my lap).

My favorite film criticism site RogerEbert.com posted a very nice write up about Dakota’s charms. I have to disagree with this part, however: “Johnson may hail from a privileged Hollywood background, but she seems determined to be a regular human being who finds a lot of the trappings of celebrity ridiculous. She is not like you or me at all, but arguably her greatest performance to date has been creating the illusion that, just maybe, she is.”

Dakota’s appeal, to me, has never been relatability. This is a woman who said she can sleep for fourteen hours a day, who says she takes a bath whenever she needs a break (ahem, when she thinks “what is this world?”). She has always been rich. She’s third generation famous. She actually talks with a sort of Mid-Atlantic accent, in this, the year of our Lord 2024. She is not relatable or normal and thank God for that!

Also: she’s been wearing a lot of on-theme webbed outfits to promote the film and I love that. Go Fug Yourself pointed out something I hadn’t noticed about this dress, which is that it’s very, uh….revealing. Again, not relatable. I love her.

And I must state, again, that anyone who thinks she’s a bad actress simply hasn’t seen enough of her films and cannot be trusted. Watch The Lost Daughter. Watch Suspiria. Watch Cha Cha Real Smooth, which actually might not prove my point but you should watch it anyway. She will be nominated for an Oscar when she finds the right role!

Okay, that’s it for this week because I’m at 3,000 words and MANY of those were about Dakota Johnson. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to let me know what you’re watching, reading, and thinking about. Go get a physical. Watch a Dakota Johnson movie. I’ll be back later this week with a quick recommendation post. See you soon. xo