I Just Love Nuns

An exploration of why I love reading about church so much

Exactly how I look while watching Fleabag

The first time I remember being interested in nuns was when I desperately wanted to dress as one for Halloween. My mom said no because the costume was too expensive (to be fair, I guess that is a lot of black fabric), and I still haven’t achieved my dream of dressing as a sister. But my love of nuns (and my interest in the most regimented of organized religion) never really went away. While I probably won’t dress as a nun next Halloween, my mild obsession now expresses itself through, what else, my book and movie choices.

My early interest in nuns didn’t spring out of any sort of childhood religious experience, because my childhood was almost completely devoid of religion. My mom was raised in what could generously be called a strict religious environment—only wearing skirts, going to church multiple times a week, etc. Despite this, or probably because of it, neither she nor any of her siblings kept going to church as adults, and she certainly never took me to one. To me, church was a place my grandma was always trying to get me to go, one where they sometimes gave me a bag of candy on holidays (is it normal that I still feel a warm fuzzy feeling when I think of that brown paper lunch bag full of foil-wrapped candy?), but one where I didn’t understand what was going on and where they misspelled my name at Sunday school. Few things provoke my anxiety like going into a situation where everyone but me knows what’s going on, and that’s what church was every time I went. I didn’t know the songs, I didn’t know the prayers, I didn’t understand when you were supposed to say things or stand up. I grasped a little bit of it—Jesus loved me, this I knew, but couldn’t He tell the Sunday school teacher how to spell my name?  

This probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal if it wasn’t for the fact that I grew up in a town where everyone went to church, where it was normal (and still is!) to ask people where they go to church upon meeting them. The majority of my friends were on the religious spectrum, from “going to church because their parents do” to “being extremely focused on attempting to actively convert people.” You have no idea how often I got invited to church lock-ins. But church was already an alienating place for me, partly because the candy stopped once I became a teenager. I certainly didn’t want to be locked into one. Who knows how many unfamiliar songs I’d have to mumble my way through!

When I went to college, it became less of an issue that I didn’t know the first thing about Christianity—people stopped giving me books about Jesus and cross necklaces, and no one sent me daily emails with scripture in an attempt to convert me (all real things that happened in high school). I still felt like I was missing out because, as an English major, there were so many biblical references in everything and everyone else seemed to instinctively know them. My church visits hadn’t prepared me for references. Maybe I should’ve been reading the Bible in high school instead of watching every episode of I Love the 80’s fifteen times—perhaps the words of God would’ve been more helpful to me than the words of Michael Ian Black or Paul F. Tompkins, which rarely if ever showed up in classic literature.

In retrospect, it’s shocking that I didn’t end up becoming religious in high school because I’m very intrigued by the idea of becoming part of a large community. In fact, once my brothers decided that I’m the most likely person in our family to join a cult, and I’d have to agree with them (my dad’s too asocial, my mom’s too skeptical of men in positions of power, and my brothers would never). There was the time I got perilously close to spending a large sum of money to study Transcendental Meditation in a hotel ballroom. And it’s true that every week I drive past a gleaming white building for a controversial, celebrity-driven religion (I won’t name it because I’m afraid of them!) and think…okay, but what if I just went in for a little bit? But I try to keep my guard up, because I know that I’m vulnerable (this is also why I won’t respond to any Facebook messages about MLMs…I don’t want to find myself as a talking head in a documentary, telling everyone how I lost my home because of a leggings company).

What I’m saying is…I do have a history of being religion-curious, but really only when it comes to the more formal, tradition-based religions. And that’s where nuns come in, or the Catholic church in general. Catholicism couldn’t be further from the type of church I’ve been to, and I think that’s what I find so interesting about it.

My interest really ignited during the early days of the pandemic when I watched Fleabag for the first time, and all I could think was, “I want to go to that church so bad.” Okay, sure, part of it was the Hot Priest, who I do in fact find hot. But I found Andrew Scott hot when he was playing Moriarty, so there was really no hope for me when he was playing a character that was actually supposed to be hot. But aside from getting way too invested in a forbidden romance, it just seemed like such a nice environment. I was stuck in my house, getting lonelier by the day and washing my groceries. All these people were shaking hands and doing their rituals. It just looked…nice. You know what you’re doing on Sunday and you can anchor your week around it, and the people you see are part of your community. And also Andrew Scott is hot and he’s your priest.

The rituals are a big part of what I find so attractive about it. Getting instructions from an authority figure about what I can do to absolve my sins? Sounds great, tbh. As a constantly guilty and anxious person, I would love for someone to just tell me what to do. And all those prayers and the repetition? Sounds like obsessions and compulsions to me, and I love that. I could spend a lot of time repeating words. Sign me up!!

Nuns in particular are so interesting to me because they really know what they’re doing. They have a calling and their lives are about service. When you’re a nun, you don’t have to wonder what your day holds, or think about whether you should buy a jumpsuit from Madewell now or wait until it goes on sale, or worry about how your eyes are looking droopier as you age. Your day holds service to others. You don’t wear jumpsuits. You don’t give a shit about your droopy eyes because you have bigger concerns, like negating yourself and serving God. No uncertainty! All I ever want is a clear set of rules to follow, and religion provides rules.

Of course, the thing about being a part of a religion is that you actually have to follow that religion and it isn’t all fun and games and nun outfits and Hot Priests. Maybe your priest isn’t even hot. What then?

Luckily, books and movies are where I can really indulge my religion curiosity without the fear of possibly getting embroiled in something I can’t fully commit to. I’m like Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, except Rosie O’Donnell is telling me, “You don’t want to go to church. You want to go to church in a movie.”

(Also, I hope that my interest in religion is coming off as what it is: a sincere appreciation of and curiosity about something that’s foreign to me. I don’t ever want to seem dismissive of someone else’s belief system!)

And so, here are a few of my favorite nun or Catholicism based books. These are mainly literary fiction, although no shade to Christian fiction because I certainly read my share of Amish romances as a kid.

The Ninth Hour by Alice McDermott. This was my first Alice McDermott, and now I’m obsessed with her. The Ninth Hour is specifically about Irish Catholics in Brooklyn. The nuns here are good people, ones who do things that aren’t strictly “correct” if it means they can help others. It’s funny in parts but also very sad and there’s one haunting scene that I still think about…weekly, maybe? As NPR puts it, “Who cares about nuns? Read this book, and you will.” Personally I didn’t need the encouragement, but maybe you do. It’s also a great winter book, although maybe “great” isn’t what I mean because it’s really depressing about winter. I loved this one so much I might reread it soon.

Fleabag. I know this isn’t a book but I still needed to talk about it (again). This is another one that makes me think deeply about what it means to devote your life to something bigger than yourself. Sometimes it means you have to break Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s heart :( but not before having some fun first ;) What I love so much about this show is that it doesn’t trivialize the Hot Priest’s devotion, and it shows that he’s actually really good at his job, which is what makes the story work. The church provides so much textural background and a setting that enhances the plot, while his devotion to the job provides an earned tension. It is really hard for me not to be rewatching this show at all times. It’s a perfect season.

Everyone in this Room will Someday be Dead by Emily Austin. This is a book after my own heart because it’s about an anxious woman who accidentally ends up working in a Catholic church even though she’s not Catholic. It’s like it’s based on my own daydreams. The main character shows up to the church because she sees a flier offering free therapy, but when she gets there, a priest sees her and thinks she’s there to interview for the receptionist position. She ends up interviewing and accepting the job (relatable), then has to hide the fact that she’s a) not Catholic and b) a lesbian. It’s laugh-out-loud funny and also very intense—you’re really in the head of someone with severe anxiety, so be warned. This church is another one that manages to seem so comforting, even though this is a book with a lot of stress.

New Girl in Little Cove by Damhnait Monaghan. This book is cozy, and it has a very cute cover, but it’s also a stealth abortion access book! I love this cover but I would also hate for you to miss it because you think it’s all-cozy, all-the-time. It’s about Rachel, who moves to Newfoundland to teach at a Catholic school. The community is insular and doesn’t really take to outsiders, but of course we soon start to love them. However, the book’s real conflict comes from Rachel’s clash with the church/school, and her desire to help her students even if that help doesn’t strictly follow the rules.

Agatha of Little Neon by Claire Luchette. This is the most recent book I’ve read on this list, and it’s also the most nun-centric. It’s about a group of nuns who are transferred (probably not correct language) to work in a halfway house. They’re in charge of keeping a group of addicts sober, running a Bible study, and, in Agatha’s case, teaching math at a nearby school. The book manages to be warm, funny (I laughed out loud), heartbreaking (some very sad things happen!), beautiful, and critical of the church even while Agatha still loves aspects of it. We really come to understand why someone might become a nun in modern times. It’s just so thoughtful and human and also, again, quite funny.

I would love to hear your favorite nun books, or any literary fiction or films that explore organized religion in a complex way! Next week I’ll be back with thoughts on a movie I finished mere hours ago…VANILLA SKY. We’re talking Tom Cruise, we’re talking Cameron Crowe, we’re talking what the heeeeeck is going on because I can’t stop thinking about that wild, 2001 ride. See you then.