Help I can't stop thinking about Single White Female

should I get an unflattering orange/red bowl cut?

Last night when I was describing the entire plot of Single White Female to Hollis, I realized I needed to write a post about it. “I have a lot to say,” I told him, and he responded, “I can tell!”

I don’t know what I expected from this film. Most of us have heard the phrase “single white female” and know that it means someone is…copying you? Stealing your style in a way that’s weird? Taking over your life? I did not assume that it meant “stabbing your boyfriend Steven Weber in the eye with a stiletto,” which is the actual definition, as it turns out. This movie forces us to face some uncomfortable things, and it even casts Stephen Tobolowsky in an unflattering light. Let’s get into it.

So we start with our main girl, Allie, played by Bridget Fonda with the worst haircut you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s orangey-red and it’s…well, let’s call it what it is. It’s a bowl cut. And yet she does kind of look good in it, in some inexplicable 90s way. I’m certain there are 22 year olds who have this haircut today.

A youth today is probably also wearing this vest.

She’s in a perfect relationship with Steven Weber. Here’s where I have to be honest an admit to you that I do, unfortunately, think Steven Weber is hot. I think this comes from watching a lot of Wings as a child. I guess I also kind of think Tim Daly is hot. Less so Thomas Haden Church and Tony Shaloub (their characters were not set up to be Wings heartthrobs).

As Allie is planning her wedding to Steven Weber and establishing that she’s basically all alone in the city, having only one (1) friend, (her upstairs neighbor Graham, who has a wonderful cat), she finds out that Steven Weber cheated on her with his ex-wife. This betrayal! She kicks him out and immediately starts searching for a new roommate. And that’s how she finds…Hedy (Jennifer Jason Leigh).

Hedy’s full name is Hedra (seems like a red flag) and she’s kind of mousy and weird. Hedy’s all “hey you’re not going to reconcile with Steven Weber and kick me out, are you?” and Allie is like, “I would literally never, this man is SCUM.” So Allie and Hedy are living the roommate dream, adopting a puppy (don’t get too attached) and hanging out half-naked at all times. I don’t think of myself as a cinematic prude, but I was struck by how SWF is 95% gratuitous nudity. These women don’t wear clothes if they don’t have to. They are constantly showering.

Anyway, you can guess what happens. Steven Weber bursts back onto the scene and he is contrite. Allie takes him back and is like, “I guess Hedy has to move out or whatever, who knows, maybe we’ll find a new place.” I’m not excusing what Hedy does later on, but I am saying that this is a true roommate nightmare. Never move in with someone who has recently broken up with Steven Weber; he’s only going to reappear soon.

Oh yeah, and Allie has a job. She’s a software designer (this part isn’t explained super well but it was okay because I honestly didn’t want a lot of details) and, in her post-breakup despair and apparent economic desperation, she takes on a job with Stephen Tobolowsky’s company even though we can already tell he’s not a good guy. I’m used to seeing Stephen Tobolowsky as, say, Ned in Groundhog Day, or as the boss in One Day at a Time. Goofball roles! Well, here he’s a real creep. It’s called range.

This is where things start getting bad. Allie and Steven Weber come home one day to discover the new puppy is dead on the ground because he fell off the balcony. I kind of hated this part, but it does show you that things with Hedy aren’t going great. Of course Allie doesn’t suspect her of puppy killing at this point in their relationship, but things ramp up quickly.

Allie realizes Hedy is buying clothing just like hers, and Hedy calls creepy Steven Tobolowsky and threatens him for trying to sexually assault Allie. I maintain that a good friend will threaten Steven Tobolowsky for you, but mostly it shows that Hedy is not entirely stable. But then we get the best part, the most culturally understood part, the weirdest part: Hedy gets a orangey-red bowl cut just like Allie’s.

you know things are bad when you get this haircut on purpose.

And then Allie follows Hedy to a (literal) underground sex (?) club. I don’t know, there were people in cages and stuff. My understanding of what constitutes an underground sex club is weak. Allie overhears Hedy telling a dude that her name is Allie and she’s like, “uhhhhhh….” I do think this would be a great point for Allie to simply leave her apartment and bunk up with Steven Weber, but she does not. Instead, she snoops in Hedy’s room and finds a classic Movie Shoebox full of important details about Hedy’s past, including the requisite cut-out newspaper articles that explain a lot. In With Gourley and Rust, they point out just how many of these yuppie nightmare thrillers involve the main character finding the antagonist’s scrapbook. This is a scrapbook in the form of a shoebox, and Allie discovers that Hedy is actually named Ellen and she had a twin that drowned when they were nine.

Allie has to go talk this over with her literal only friend (Steven Weber is out of town), Graham. She tells Graham everything she’s found out, but what she doesn’t know is that the vents in their apartment building transmit sound so well that Hedy can hear everything she’s saying! And guess what…Hedy doesn’t like what she hears, so she attacks Graham.

Landline phones cause a lot of major problems here. Allie found out Steven Weber cheated on her because of the answering machine, she missed calls and messages from Steven Weber because Hedy ignored them, and now Steven Weber calls at 2 AM to say he’s back in town but of course Hedy answers. And do you think she wakes Allie up? No, she does not. She goes over to Steven Weber’s place in Allie’s weird silver trench coat and climbs into bed with him, and he doesn’t even know that Hedy just got Allie’s bowl cut so it takes him way too long to figure out what’s happening. He gets mad and threatens to tell Allie and…Hedy stabs him in the eye with a stiletto and he dies!!! I spent a lot of time thinking about the logistics involved here (like, how tall was that stiletto heel) and had to force myself to let it go.

When Allie wakes up in the morning, Hedy is preparing to move and she’s disinfecting the whole apartment. Hmmm, weird! Allie finds out via the news that Steven Weber is dead (rough) and instantly pieces it together that Hedy did it. This is the point where Hedy fully lets Allie see how thoroughly she’s gone off the deep end. She’s like, “Well this isn’t even my real name, everyone that ever saw me is dead, and I just removed all my fingerprints from your place. Also I have your extremely distinctive bad haircut so everyone thinks I’m you! Looks like you murdered Steven Weber, babe!”

And then, in like a 25 minute span, roughly one million shocking things happen. I have to list them.

-Hedy forces Allie into Graham’s apartment, tapes Allie to the chair/tapes her mouth shut, then goes out to the bank while leaving Allie with the TV. Allie turns up the volume so loud that another tenant complains and you think she’s about to be freed, but Hedy gets back just as they’re about to bust into the apartment.

-Hedy is about to slash Allie’s neck when Allie gives her a passionate kiss on the mouth.

-Allie tries to use her weird 90s computer to transmit a “help” message but Hedy catches her.

-Stephen Tobolowsky shows up and you think he’s gonna save the day but Hedy shoots him.

-Hedy makes Allie write a suicide note and tries to make her take a bunch of pills.

-Allie is like, “noooo!” and breaks a window and stabs Hedy with a shard of glass.

-Turns out Graham was NOT dead, he was just unconscious in the bathtub as his cat slept on him (the cat is ok). He comes out and attacks Hedy!

-Hedy has a gun and shoots Allie in the shoulder and then they have a fight in the building’s creepy elevator and Hedy strangles Allie.

- Allie is NOT dead and she sneaks off to hide in a vent.

-Allie throws a rat on Hedy.

-Allie stabs Hedy with a screwdriver! Aaaaa! Hedy dies.

-There’s an epilogue where Allie is like, “I really miss Steven Weber but Graham says I’ve gotta move on.”

I really do think that if this movie was released today, people would lose their minds. The American viewing public in 2024 is simply not ready for a psychosexual thriller—just look at how people reacted to Saltburn. They thought it was the most subversive film ever made.

What happened to us, as a society? When did we become a bunch of prudes? Movies need to be weirder again, I say. Maybe they should involve more ridiculous haircuts and ridiculous sex scenes and really ridiculous murder scenes.

Single White Female is currently streaming on Max. See you soon. xo